Random thoughts

Hi,
Finally posting again.

Been enjoying married life quite a fair bit. It always is a joy and sweet blessing to be able to wake up to someone you love dearly every morning. And to tell her fact to face how much you love her before we sleep a night. It is a sweet sweet blessing.

Our wedding rings and the bridal hand bouquet that i chose and made.

Work has been alright. Crisis of self belief and motivation is the staple of the day at work. Am I good enough? Am I popular? Who are my friends? Who are the hostile ones? What is actually behind that smile I see?
As work piles up, I really wonder how the bosses and the peers see me? Sigh, as much as I hate to admit it, these things do affect me, and they affect me a lot. I would love to boldly say, that my identity in Christ and the fact that I am a beloved of God is enough affirmation that I need to stand tall and confident and happy, but that just isn’t the case.

I’m working towards it and at the moment, being in this company is a blessing. I feel good that I actually know how to carry out my job somewhat competently, and that I have enough to spend, time to do ministry, and to have chances to travel. But end of the day, I want to be competent and confident I Christ and in my work.
Irony now is that of all the places that I’m serving, I’m serving in COS now after leaving it for 4 years. Helping out Chris in a Friday night cell group. It really is a satisfying experience. Best part of it is, all the teens I’m meeting up with now, are actually kids that I used to talk to and interact with when they were young. Man, how fast time flies. With or without the fun.

Gripping with the concept of death.

Morbid huh?

But yeah, I’ve been getting the shivers whenever the thought of death pops into my head, how would I die? How would it feel? I’m scared of pain. Would God accept me or would he say that He never knew me? How would I live if luzanne actually died? Drowning really is a sickening way to die isn’t it?
Yeah, I get the shivers. I know, Death has lost its sting after Christ died on the Cross for all of us, but really, I look at my life and I ask myself, am I really saved? I know the scriptures, I know the theory, but the instinct in me says, there must be more than what I have. I don’t hear God strongly, I don’t feel God strongly, I still have much of my past hurts to deal with. All I know is that I sincerely want Jesus in my life, but I’m torn with sin on the other side.

I guess at this point, Romans kinda makes a comforting thought. That despite our struggle with sin, that we do what we do not want to do and that which we want to do we do not do, a wretched existence, but then even so, there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus, because when we accept Jesus, we have the Spirit of Life in us.
There is hope, just that my reality and theology don’t mesh at the moment. I need faith. More of it.

But much more, I need transformation.

A lot more things to say, but that’ll do for now.

Oh, if anyone wants to subscribe to a magazine, I highly recommend "Christianity Today".

Reading about Christian Masculinity and Sexual Addiction in the Church. Gripping and thought provoking stuff.