Its been ages since i blogged, so even as i'm typing, i wonder who is going to read this post?

As i dust off cobwebs on this blog, i remember again why i blog, well at least why i used to blog.

Blogging used to give me a release, to let the world know who i really am.  I guess in this world, no one can truly be genuine, at least thats what the world teaches you. If you are genuine, if you let your feelings show, if you wear your heart on your sleeve, you are just asking to be used or to get hurt.

But i don't want to be that kind of person, to be guarded, to always have to be political. 

THATS JUST NOT ME! But ppl tell me, that i'm just being naive, that i'm just being childish.

But this blog allows me to let my mind roam, to let my verbal diaorreah have an outlet through the written word.

I feel like i'm losing my friends. I have let myself go and in the proces, i think i also have let go of my friends. Too many years of hurt has made me much more weary of relationships, of ppl, of church, of Christians, and even at times God. But thats not what these hurts are meant to do to me. Its not to make me more callaoused a person, it is not to make me more jaded a person. I'm supposed to learn the correct lessons and to be a comfort to others who go thru the same things that i had gone through. But even so, i feel so powerless to do so.

I'm waiting for the victory, i'm waiting for the power to be changed, i'm waiting for the love, i'm waiting for the acceptance. I really want to ask God, have i become an outcast in your family? sigh. I hate being alone. 

But i think, i make myself the outcast. I shy away from opening my heart. I lament abt how i don't feel loved and cared for by the community, but then, how much time and effort to i make to get back to my community? Its a dilema for me. I want rejoin the community, to make contact, to make meaningful connections, but at the same time, i feel tired and jaded to do so. Some may say its a spiritual attack, and at this point i may be inclined to agree.

Work doesn't help either. But one thing God is reminding me. Be faithful with the little things, only after that can i be entrusted with the big things.

I need to stay faithful, but more so, at this point with so much OT, ministry, family commitments, i'm burning out. I need to stay sane. I need to stay sane....